Owning the World One Fast Lane Ticket at a Time

I remember when I was younger and the world was a magical place, full of dreams and possibilities and ideas like freedom. I remember when young girls knew what clothes were, and understood that they were supposed to wear them. I remember standing in line for a ride and being part of a group, a small society of fellow people who all shared this wonderful line waiting social custom.

I heard one time that "All good things must come to an end" or something along those lines. I did not know that quote applied to the world as a whole. Freedom seems to have gone out the window, nine year old girls might as well be walking around naked, and now for an additional fee, if you're willing to pay, you can be an A-Class member at your local theme park and not bother with the tradition of line ups at all. For only $30 to $45 at Canada's Wonderland, on top of the regular cost of admission, you can buy yourself a smug expression, a callous air, and walk about the park waving non-chalantly to your fellow comman man as you butt in line. Just a small additional fee, and you can snub your nose at fairness while giving a grand Nazi salute to Capitalism.

I think it is a marvelous idea that deserves to escape the cold metal gates of Canada's Wonderland. Driver's Licenses should definitely start offering premium options. Why should I have to follow the regular speed limit like my fellow pitiful human beings, when for a monthly membership fee I can gain a Fast Lane License that comes with its own increased speeding limits?

Why should I have to prove myself like my fellow students in a math test, when I should be able to just buy a Premium Scholarship Package at my local school, which comes with a gym bag sized nerd who will take those math tests for me?

Why should it be first come first serve at a movie theatre? I want to just pay twice as much for my tickets, arrive as the curtains raise, and kick that family of five out of their front row seats so I can watch the second instalment of Despicable Me.

Way to go Canada's Wonderland. $15 to park your car, but for an extra $5 you can have access to one of the reserved parking spaces closer to the park. $50 for a day pass, but for $90 we'll push little old ladies and small children out of your way so you can go on more rides. Why not implement a premium beverage package? For an additional $25 a day, ride operators will steal water from your fellow peasants and give it to you if you're thirsty.

I wish I could go back to the world of my youth. As is, modern society is like having a 300 pound naked, hairy man walk in to the room while you are covering your eyes during a round of hide and seek. You thought you were just playing a fun game, but then you start to open your eyes, and the more you open your eyes, the more unsightliness and horror you see.